Full of nothing...

Yeah baby, that's how I'm feelin' right about now. So FULL of...nothing...I'm in the grad lab at school not getting anything done. I have been here since 7:00am...it's Friday and I have no classes today. Yet I've been here since flippin' seven and I have nothing to show for it. Not that I didn't *try* to do stuff. I have a project due...well...it was due this morning, and I have an exam at 6:00pm on Monday...but it's like i feel....i dunno.

*sidenote: why are there so many '...'s in this post?*

I feel so full of nothing. So full in fact, that I can't concentrate on *anything* no matter my best efforts to try. Maybe it's because I've been pulling all nighters just about all this week, maybe it's because i've been subsisting on a diet of instant oatmeal, ramen noodles, and instant hot chocolate; maybe it's because i feel down right icky today (my tummy doesn't feel good), maybe it's because i don't have anywhere stable to stay, maybe it's because even though i'm here - right now - here is really where i'd rather not be. I don't know where I want to be, what I want to be, who I want to be. I have a strong feeling of wanting to go HOME but i have no idea where home really is. I'm not even sure I actually have one of those anymore. I guess home is Kingston, Jamaica where my mother and my sister and my brother are. Usually when I say I want to go home, I'm just refering to the island as a whole, not any place in it in particular. But yeah. I guess that Wellington Manor place is where home is for me. It's weird, because that's not where it was or who it was when i left Jamaica. It kinda broke down, shifted and reassembled while I was here in the chilly Babylon, and I haven't actually seen it physically since the restructuring. Maybe that's why it feels so un-solid :s to me. I haven't left this country in four years. Dude. For the past four years I lived in a place where I've been reminded almost daily that I don't belong, that I'm not a citizen of America and that therefore I don't count. Erm. Forget this. I want to go home. But then I'm going to get to Jamaica and realise that this place that I left is not the Utopia that I so desparately need it to be. And then I'm going to think that I need something else.

When will I just learn to be content with my God? I have my Rock in a box and I won't let him out. And I'm tired of me and of this. But I typed all this and I thought about my Rock - maybe for the first time for real today. And I feel better. My stomach still feels icky but my head feels clear. I've got stuff I've gotta do, like this project long overdue. Yeah yo (Jide :)), must make a run.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. " - Jeremiah 29:11-12


Good to gizzle.