Letter to Santa, 2006

Dear Santa,

Hey, how are you? How are the reindeer? How's Rudolph's nose doing? Last I heard he was suffering from a rare form of red nose syndrome. My Auntie Loris makes an amazing garlic-chocolate-asparagus ointment with just a hint of scorpion juice that would clear that right up. Let me know if you're interested, maybe we can set up some form of a trade. Wink, wink. Have your people call my people. Anyway, on to the point of this letter.

I have been amazingly good this past year. I've managed to resist the urge to pummel my little sister into the ground. I think that's all I really need. You've seen me not put laxative in her cereal. You've got records. You know. In light of this I feel quite confident in putting my request before you. This Christms I only want one thing (kindly take note of my commendable lack of greed - feel free to apply any "good points" this may get me to next Christmas' gift). So here's my humble request. I want the batmobile. Fully loaded. Freshly waxed. All weaponry included. And if you could include an elf to cater to my every whim...and some gas coupons...that would be nice too. Not necessary, but nice.

Anyway Sants, that's my entire request, my Christmas list in nutshell. Please tell Mrs. Claus I said hi. Let the elves know I'm thinking of them. And tell Rudolph that if he's in need of the aforementioned ointment that I'm only a phone call and US$100 dollar bill away. As always, it's been a pleasure doing business with you. I look forward to *ahem* hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Kayonne
("k-dizzle" to her friends)


P.S. Go easy with that whole "need for speed" vibe. Just take a page from my book - self restraint is your friend. Last thing I need is skid marks on my roof. Again. Sheesh.

Chrismus inna Foreign

A friend of mine emailed me this and I thought I'd share. Merry Christmas and enjoy :)!! :

Lawks, chile, Chrismus a come again. You can believe it? Just yessiday me a welcome di new year an a ring bell like seh me is of a particular political persuasion. Massi, ma, me dis a get use to a write dis year, now me haffi memba new year. Anyway, we have to give tanks an praises for anodda year and get togedda wid wi family an friends. Should old acquaintance be forgot? No sah, me nuh tink so.

Speaking of which, me say when me did lickle a country, yuh know, yuh see when Chrismus breeze start fi blow, is like is goodwill to all mankind. For everybody just nice to dem one anodda so and who fi go look fi who and figet say is ongly visit dem did a visit an tek up root eena yuh house an all night long dem just a scratch-scratch dem hairy skin so krups-krups and yuh cyaan sleep and when yuh tell yuh modda she jus say 'by and by, mi pickney, by an by'. Hmm. Ah tell yuh. Me naah call nobody name yuh know for me is not one fi cause no strife.

Anyway, me use to love how everybody just paint up so an whitewash all a di tree trunk an stone eena di yard yuh woulda tink seh is snow. Me memba sometime when it get so cold me use to wonda if it wi snow. An mi wrap up eena sweater an socks an no waan come outa bed. Dat deh time, yuh know, we all a sing bout how Santa an him reindeer dem a dash through snow and we all a dream of White Christmas. Heh-heh, yah. Den we start fi feel wi national pride an 'Santa ketch up eena mango tree' and granny groan an say:

"Lawd, look what Chrismus come to."

Ma. An we start fi mek wi own carol dem like 'An she rock di baby to sleep' and my true love start to 'gave to me' kling-kling an all dem sinting deh. No more partridge eena pear tree. See yah. An when mama tek out har fruit dem wha she been soaking from Whappie a kill Fellop and she a granny an Aunt Doris an cousin Lucy an me an mi bredda Frankie start fi bake, yuh drunk by di time yuh done. All granny a say is:

"Tek time pon di wine deh, Mavis."

And Aunt Doris say:

"Is wine dat maketh di heart of man be joyful, so scripture say."

Granny shet har mouth pam. For fi har hand did done get way wid di rum when she did a make di sorrel. Chile, dem day did sweet. Yes, ma'am, we need fi get togedda an keep wi heritage strong, we cyaan lose it. No man, especially eena dis yah Foreign.