Amazing Love

***[edit: link has been corrected]***

"Amazing Love, how can it be that my King would die for me?" - The Newsboys

Amazing indeed. I've been a Christian for what...seven years now? Seven. And I still don't get it. I mean, that's not a long time but you'd think it'd be long enough for - i dunno - something. Here's the thing I don't understand about God. Well, one of the things. There are many things I don't understand about God. His logic is so illogical to me:

That He'd love.

And, I mean, not just verb love but BE love. What's that all about? How...how do you...? See, from all that I've seen and from the little that I've experienced since I started opening myself up seven years ago, love makes you vulnerable. People can't hurt you if you don't love them. I mean, they really can't (I'm obviously not talking on a physical level here). But if you do then all bets are off.

*PAUSE*

And God loves us. He loves me. He loves you. He loves...so it's like... I dunno...why would you willingly allow yourself to be vulnerable? And it's already cost Him (the loving us I mean). It's already cost Him a lot (far more than I'd ever have been willing to give. Think betrayal and crucifixion here, all so that there could be a resurrection. And for whose sake? For our sake, for my sake, for your sake.).

Vulnerable. The most powerful being in existence has made Himself vulnerable to being hurt by us. By me. By Kayonne. By you. And I don't get it. I can't grasp that, because my mind doesn't work like that. My self-defense mechanisms won't let it. And the kicker is that this God is the one I want to be with, be like, absorb into my be-ing until I truly am one with Him. Until "to live is Christ and to die is gain". Man. I didn't know that following Him was going to be this deep, that my insides would get this twisted insided-out, all so that He'd be able to stand me right-sided up one day. Seven years ago I didn't know that the path that I was about to start down would bring me so starkly face to face with myself. And I CERTAINLY, certainly (certainly) didn't know that I'd be so unimpressed with what I'd see.

I didn't know that I'd cry this hard and laugh this hard and feel this fortunate and feel this hunted down. And, well, feel. All because HaShem, Adonai has decided to not take the easy way out, choosing instead to be Perfection. To love me. To love Kayonne. To love You. Passionately. To allow Himself to be vulnerable to us, to be capable of being hurt by us. Completely. I thought that absolute power was supposed to corrupt absolutely? Apparently not, I guess that too really is a choice.

But vulnerable?

"...and they will call him 'Immanuel' — which means, 'God with us'". God with us?? What?? What in the world? What in the world.

How CAN IT BE that my KING would die for me? My God, I don't understand You and your beautifully complicated simplicity. Your wonderfully illogical logic. But I love You. I love You for it. I love that I am, and always have been, part of your Love Story. And I love that You are now part of mine. Shoot, you ARE mine in pretty much its entirety.

I love that you're helping me to feel intensely - sometimes too intensely - again. Wow. Wait. To allow myself ish to become more and more vulnerable ish. Really?? That's what I thanking him for?? What in the world?? Stop playing. I must be going crazy too.... Father, is this me beginning to ascend into Your madness?

Man, I hope so.

I do not understand...

Amazing Love, how can it be...that my King would die for me??